= To the Soul that Doubts

"I'll turn My hand upon thy heart,

And purge away thy dross.

I will refine thee in My fire,

Remake thee at my Cross."

Every now and then, a good purge by the Lover of our soul is in order. Today might just be such a day... I feel such exhaustion in my soul, weakness in my body, and numbness in my mind. For the past week there has been a general sense of impending doom that makes my muscles tense as I sit in class or lay down to sleep.

"Where is the, '...peace that surpasses all understanding, guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus...?'" Am I not supposed to be happy and joyous at every moment? Anxiety does not belong to the believer! How dare doubt creep into my mind as I pack for my upcoming stay in Mexico... I reject this!

Yet... there doubt remains.

Who do I think I am? I am one person... one little girl in the masses of important people. I'm 26 and still in college. I don't know where I will be in five years, let alone one, and I have never changed the world. What right do I have to believe myself worthy of Carrying the Call of this ministry of nursing?

The answer: None. I have no right.

My favorite book is Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard where the protagonist, Much-Afraid, is working desperately to make it to the High Places, the place of the Chief Shepherd. She has a crooked smile and crippled feet and the journey is treacherous. She is constantly barraged by her nasty relatives Pride, Self-Pity, and Craven-Fear. These three relatives poison her mind and soul as she treks to the One her heart most desires.

The battle between Much-Afraid and her evil relatives rages. Much-Afraid, living up to her name, cries out and in an instant, without fail, the Chief Shepherd is by her side. Much-Afraid's fearing relatives are no match for the Shepherd, and flee at the sight of him! Though the Shepherd comes when called, true to his faithful nature, Much-Afraid seems to forget he is trustworthy to protect her every time she is afraid.

"He brought me to his palace,

And to the banquet hall,

To share with me his greatness,

I, who am least of all.

Oh, give me help and comfort,

For I am sick with shame,

Unfit, to be his consort,

Unfit to bear his Name."

The truth is that none of us is worthy of spreading his gospel, none of us is good enough to bear his name. Through the grace and mercy of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ dying on the cross, bearing our shame, and defeating death we are redeemed. I have decided to follow Jesus and that gives me the right to share the truth of the gospel, no matter how insignificant the Devil would like me to believe myself to be. Satan hates me and wants me to feel like a wretched little Much-Afraid. This, however, is not my name.

One of the most beautiful moments in the book is when Much-Afraid receives her new name, Grace-and-Glory. She is no longer defined by what the world demanded she believe of herself for she has been born anew and her identity is in her King.

Here is the final lesson of Grace-and-Glory;

"The third thing that I learned was that you, my Lord, never regarded me as I actually was, lame and weak and crooked and cowardly. You saw me as I would be when you had done what you promised and had brough me to the High Places, when it could be true said, 'There is none that walks with such a queenly ease, nor with such a grace as she.' You always treated me with the same love and graciousness as though I were a queen already and not a wretched little Much-Afraid."

God will use me for his glory in Mexico, and I will proclaim his great name. Not as a wretched little Much-Afraid, but as Grace-and-Glory, with queenly ease.