The Acuity of Failure ||

“Incline your ear (Bree), and come to me;

Hear, that your soul may live;

And I will make with you an everlasting covenant,

My steadfast, sure love…”

Isaiah 55: 3

Were I a genuine twenty-something independent woman, I would posit that failure is a matter of perspective. That what means failure to you may not mean failure to me. That a traditional failure is now simply a setback or an alteration to the path I have predestined for myself in my infinite wisdom and understanding of the universe. That failure is no longer failure.

But, alas, no. Sometimes failure is just failure. The sock you in the gut, rip out your spirit, spit in your eye, and kick your dog, good old fashioned you-aren’t-good enough failure. It’s the WORST and it’s right now.

One failure, sure! I can bounce back from that! No problem just let me get my bearings and I will once again be the #goals of all women who look upon my glory. Young girls will flock to my shadow and idolize me for my ability to slay adversity. This could work, I can make this work. Failure is good for your image as a believer anyway, right?

Oh, whoops…. What I meant by “one failure” was actually a young adulthood riddled from stem to stern with inadequacies. Failure has seemed to be my “right now” for the past eight years and I believed I had filled beyond my quota after the tooth and nail battle of graduating nursing school, but no. There was one more biggie to momentarily deplete my joy stores and give me grounds to engage in a pity party lasting a solid two weeks.

I failed the NCLEX.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “Big deal! Cinch up your bootstraps and try again!” Yes, I agree. Trying again and overcoming my obstacle is my next objective. But right now, I hurt so badly in the failure center of my gut that I can’t feel my toes.

It really is amazing how one failure (I’m calling this one the Cherry on Top) can lead to a litany of completely irrational thoughts;

“Why does God love me?”

“Am I worth anything to Jesus?”

“I am failure personified, what can he possibly do with me?”

“I’m never getting married.”

“My kids will be brats.”

“My dog doesn’t like me anymore.”

“That kid is staring at me, he must know I failed the NCLEX. Does EVERYONE KNOW?”

On and on these thoughts pummel you and, you know, the longer you dwell on lies the easier it is to believe them. Since these thoughts have been coming to mind so readily, they must have always been there. I’m a self-fulfilling prophecy. Dang-it.

For all those non-Nurses out there, the NCLEX is the Moby Dick of nursing school. An elusive distant monster that lies in wait for you at the end of your journey and will establish dominance over your sanity if you let it. I’m not really sure if Ahab ever destroyed the great white demon so I don’t really know if this reference is even correct but my Moby Dick destroyed my ship and ate my crew. The NCLEX won and I was marooned on the island of “All about Bree” as I became obsessed with my pain… and I consumed inordinate amounts of ice cream. It helps.

But the real question, the real black hole in my heart remains looming; Does God still want me? I know he will always love me but does he want to use me for the advancement of his kingdom?

“Yes,” responds the still soft voice of the King of Kindness.

“Are you sure, Lord? You see my track record? Do you really want me to train wreck all of eschatology? Because I failed the NCLEX so, naturally, that would be the next wrung on the ladder.”

Then Jesus uses what I readily understand to speak to me; books. I know the Bible is a book but sometimes the point is comprehendible to me when spoken through narrative of my old friend, Much-Afraid.

I have referenced the book Hinds Feet on High Places before and with good reason. I am Much-Afraid, and her struggle is my struggle so when she is spoken to by the King of Kindness, I receive it to myself.

One day on her journey to the High Places with the Shepherd, Much-Afraid realizes that she has come through perilous land unscathed. How?

“The reached the desert surprisingly quickly, because, although the path was very steep indeed, Much-Afraid was leaning on the Shepherd, and did not feel her weakness at all…

…She said to herself,

‘He has brought me here when I did not want to come for his own purposes. I too will look up into his face and say, ‘Behold me! I am thy little handmaiden Acceptance-With-Joy.’”

So here I am, sitting at the Rocket Bakery writing my blog when I am supposed to be studying for my second attempt at the NCLEX, and laying a friendly reminder at your feet that you are always and forever worth being used by our King. He wants to use you not for your success alone but for the beauty of your failures. What reliance is needed on our creator when we only face what brings us pleasure and the respect of man? Though ours is the God and creator of pleasure and accolades, He is also the one who introduced the wonder and awe that come only from correction to our human condition. Our failures are the gut wrenching means of learning something new about the majesty and sovereignty of the lover of our souls and his everlasting adoration of we clan-of-failures, whom he will ferociously love for all eternity, no matter what. So take a deep breath, eat you some ice cream, watch you some Walk to Remember, cry you some tears, and turn your eyes to the beauty of the God who welcomes the imperfect to his house with a party and a piñata… a piñata that looks like the NCLEX.

“For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace;

The mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing,

And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.”

Isaiah 55: 12

To stay true to the theme of my blog, here are some fun photos of my summer that have nothing to do with what I have just written about :) And yes, I wear my flower romper every day of my life.