An Acclimation to Loneliness ||

“You seem embarrassed by loneliness, by being alone.

It’s only a place to start.”

-Sabrina, 1995

Sabrina is one of my favorite films. I remember watching the 1995 rendition with my mom when I was a kid and thinking it was really boring with only old people and no action. Though each time I saw it, I liked it a little bit more and as I grew I began to see Sabrina as an extremely relatable person. She was fanciful, always dreaming and unrealistic to a fault. She preferred her ideal future to her current reality and it took a trip around the world to bring her back to the here and now. I think we can all agree we have each spent a little bit of time outside reality in our dreamier days, before we had to wake up to responsibility. What makes Sabrina so relatable, however, is not her fanciful and doe eyed dreaming or her wanderlust to explore.

It was her loneliness.

I don’t believe Sabrina was aware of her loneliness until a good friend of hers pointed it out. She told Sabrina that, when she was younger, she discovered herself in her loneliness. That being alone was a gift and the time to yourself a rare honor that not many are allowed. A conclusion of immeasurable value, one almost impossible to come to without a prolonged engagement with solitude and the pain that often accompanies it.

But what exactly is it about loneliness that causes our chest to tighten? If there is so much to be gained by being alone, why does it feel like a bad thing? Like an embarrassing thing?

My belief is that it is not the solidarity itself found in loneliness but rather the feeling of being un-seen or not understood, un-thought of. That you are not the sole concern of someone dubbed your “person”. That, in the moments of chaos, you lock eyes with your person from across the room, over the kids, through the mess and an unspoken exchange is made along the order of “you ok?” I have seen this exchange time and again amongst my siblings and their spouses and my parents. Depending on the response given as “we’re good”, or “I’m drowning”, courses are altered and the cared for is given new energy to conquer, secondary to the support given by their person. They are seen. They are understood. They are thought of.

What if I told you that you could have the growth and self revelation that accompanies the experience of loneliness as well as an intimate relationship with one who has searched your heart and knows your every thought? Essentially your “person”.

There was once a very lonely woman who lived a long time ago when, in the most modern places, women were treated like property and their thoughts and feelings might as well have been rocks for all they were worth to the world. This woman’s name was Hagar and she was the slave of a woman who turned nasty and tormented her. Day in and day out Hagar was ostracized, had no friends other than her son, and was reminded of the burden she was to her mistress. After so much time and abuse had passed, a final blow came when her master and the father of her child, turned Hagar and her son out to “…wander the wilderness of Bersheeba,” (Genesis 21:14). Very quickly, they ran out of food and water and became lost, without a hope for shelter. At the end of all options, Hagar lays her son down, said goodbye and walked away from him in an attempt to spare herself the pain of having to watch him die.

How lonely? Physically alone, emotionally alone yet somehow she was…. Seen.

“…she lifted up her voice and wept.

And God heard the voice of the boy,

And the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her,

‘What troubles you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the

voice of the boy where he is….’

Then God opened her eyes and saw a well of water.”

Eye contact made from across the room. A “you ok?” given. A course altered based on the answer. New energy to conquer.

Hagar calls Jesus the sweetest name of any given to him. She calls him El Roi, The God Who Sees Me (Genesis 16:13). Though no human cared for her, Jesus did. Though no human saw her, Jesus saw. Though no human aided her, Jesus provided. Though no human understood, Jesus knew. The loneliness of her situation allowed for an awakening of the spirit that might not have come had she had her every need met. Had she the attention of someone solely concerned for her, in the way we hope for, Hagar might not ever have come face to face with the God of the universe.

“Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.”

Genesis 16:13

I do not believe the lonely seasons are the longest, though they may feel that way at the time. Nor do I believe they have the most frequent occurrence. I do believe they hold monumental value and endless potential for growth if they are used correctly. If they are used in friendship and unity with the one who sees you, always.

We are seen.

We are understood.

We are cared for.

We are loved.

Embrace the season you’re in. This is only a place to start.