When Fear Comes to Call ||

Fear is a fickle creature.

One of the most exciting and uncharted events in my life is just around the corner. One that I have prayed for, God has provided supernaturally for, and I count my blessings every day for; I am about to become a homeowner.

My first home! In a whirlwind of events over the last few months I have had the honor of working with a company called Blue Plank out of Hayden, ID to build my dream home. It is bright and airy, homey and warm. Their work has truly made me feel so special and I could not have asked for a better company to partner with. The craziest part of all of this is that it is mine. I feel so blessed and hardly deserving.

When I dream of a home of my own, I imagine what I picture as a Friday morning in the fall. It is still warm enough for my windows to be open, curtains moving in the breeze. The sun is warm through the dormer and I am watching the mountains from my couch as I sip a cup of coffee. It is a quiet time and good things are to come.

I imagine the small room next to mine as a nursery someday. Little feet on the hardwood floors tip toeing over to me with bed head and teddy, looking for morning snuggles. Neither of us speak for a while until the sleepy eyes turn to adventure eyes and, in a split second, we are off to our imaginations!

The back yard holds the key to our day of play. With the vegetable garden to the right on the south side of the house and the berries along the back fence, we can snack as we pretend and learn. I see my little one, who looks like his daddy, bring me a rock from the flowerbed, convinced that it is made from lava. We discuss it and come to the agreement that before the house was here a volcano stood. We, of course, had to relocate the volcano to an island in the ocean for the purpose of building our home but not without it leaving behind a few treasures. We shall keep this rock forever and ever.

When our bellies start to rumble and we decide it is time for a snack, we move inside with our black adventure dog Alaska, to see what we can find. On the way in, we snag a pepper and some cherry tomatoes from the garden.

Propped on the barstool across from me with teddy under one arm, my little one watches me knead dough for some biscuits. His mouth is moving a mile a minute (like his mama), relaying in detail everything that comes to his mind, and I don't mind one bit. I have waited all my life for this.

As the biscuits bake, we wait patiently, listening to country music. He loves to dance to Boot Scootin Boogie and he shakes his booty around the dance floor with his teddy.

In my imagination, the day fades into laughs, snacks, and snuggles, waiting impatiently for his tall strong hero to come through the door so he can tell him all about his day, in multiple ways, for the next several hours. We smile at each other, and neither of us mind, my handsome man and I, because we have waited our whole lives for this. Our home. Our family. Each other. This time.

The day goes on, and under my breath I sing a song of worship to the One who has gifted me these good things.

Such a wonderful and exciting future, full of possibilities! The most exciting thing about God is that, though this is as good as my imagination gets, he says, "Wait! There's more!". He never snaps out of his imagination and the thing is, is that he can bring it all to life. I think he really loves it when we day dream. I think he likes to do it too.

Now enter fear.

How absurd that in the midst of blessing, beauty and favor, fear can still cause my chest to tighten and sweat to run down my forehead. Though God has provided in every way imaginable and in the ways I cannot see, with a bright future and the best days ahead, fear says, "Stay hidden. Stay safe. Don't try. Don't love. There is only loneness." Fear would like to remind me that I am turning thirty, am unmarried and have no children. Fear would like to lead me to believe that I cannot handle owning a home on my own, that I have bitten off more than I can chew. That I will regret the decisions I have made.

What a lie.

My life has been laden with good gifts and blessing beyond what I can recount from El Roi, The God Who Sees Me (Genesis 16:13). I have been spared so much heartache, been given an amazing career, and a family who loves me. I am a blessed woman.

Fear would like to take what God has given, destroy what he has done. On so many occasions, I have allowed it to do so. When I become anxious over the future and the unknown and fear says, "You won't succeed", my God whispers, "You will." My God sees my dreams for this home, for my family and he says, "This is good. This is from Me." These dreams he has placed in my heart, directly from his, are very very good.

No matter the trial or blessing, fear will make himself known. Experiencing fear is ok, it will always happen. Allowing fear to dictate your thought process and, even worse, your dreams and imagination will cripple you and keep you hidden. Keep you quiet. What a blessing to have a hope in the One greater than fear, the One who conquered fear. Speak his name and know peace. Speak his name and silence fear while you keep on dreaming. One day, before you know it, you will find yourself sipping your coffee, watching the mountains, feeling the breeze on a quiet Friday morning in the fall.